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What’s in Your Trunk? Part 2 of the Root of Fear series.

If your choices are rooted in fear what kind of habits will you have?  These habitual actions, that seem to be second nature produce and feed the results or fruit that you reap everyday.  

If I am afraid of my husband’s criticism then I will not want to be around him. I will chose self isolation instead of connection.  And if this is the case, how can that bring my marriage or family closer together? It doesn’t, my fear becomes the wedge that drives us apart.   

But if I am honest about my reactions and examine the why both him and I are the way we are, then I can actually choose my reactions instead of following the Fear Protocol.  

What I call Fear Protocol is essentially fight or flight response.  It is instinctual. There is no If/Then thought process.  In fact there is no real conscious thought.  

If I stop the habitual patterns.  Just stop and think about the cycle I have perpetuated then I can choose my responses.

About two years ago I received a pattern interrupt that gave me a glimpse of what I had been perpetuating and how I’d been blaming the results on others in my life.  Yes, they are responsible for their addictions, their habits, their choices. But I am responsible for my choices. And the important thing is to make conscious choices.  Are you aware of what your responses are to the crazy makers, the addicts, the frienemies, the toxic family members? There will be people, jobs, relationships, or seemingly hopeless situations in your life that most people automatically handle with a flight or fight response.  

Once I could see that I was part of the problem and accepted responsibility for my part of the equation then I could examine all the possible responses and select what I wanted.  

For years my response to anyone who was harsh toward me was to just take it and avoid them.  I became bitter and negative, telling others how horrid a person was, never addressing the offense head on.  Never talking directly to that hurtful individual, coworker, in-law, or neighbor etc.

What was the cost of this habit?   

I felt weak.  I believed I was weak and could not resolve anything and if I tried that it would only make things worse.  I felt ineffectual in my work, relationships, efforts to create artwork, in all things I felt – LESS.  Less than everyone else that could speak and address the inevitable hurt that humans face. Because I wasn’t good enough to ask for what I wanted and get it.  

Did I want respect.  You bet. Did I believe I could have it.  No fricken way.

So I responded with fear based habits that put me directly into the hole that each hurtful person that I ran across wanted me to exist in – because if I was in this hole of worthlessness – then somehow they were better.  This was of course a lie. Just as it was a lie that I had to live in fear. Just as it was a lie that I was worthless. Sometimes you reach a point where you must say NO. No to worthlessness, no to bitterness, and no to fear.

Sure it caused issues when I didn’t let a certain extended family member spread misinformation about me behind my back.  But I could stand up straighter and respect myself. And I guarantee that if you respect yourself others are 100% more likely to respect you.   

Were there F words and all sorts awful accusations thrown at me when I suggested changes in our finances.  Yes.  But I had done my research, I knew it was accurate and I respected myself enough to be brave open my mouth and rock the boat a little.

So today stop.  Be still. Ask yourself, “What fear based habit is running my life?”  Then ask yourself what that cost has been. Are you willing to continue paying the price?  Or are you willing to be brave and take a small step forward. Just one action. Then observe the results.  Feel the respect, peace, self worth, the good example you are setting for your children, the faith you are demonstrating in your higher power.  Breathe in the payback of being brave. Rock the boat a little, who knows where you will be in a month, a year if you choose your path instead of reacting in fear.  You know exactly where you will be if you continue to live in fear. You will be right where you are now. The only question is, are you willing to take a look at your life and accept responsibility for your actions.  

The time has come to clear out your trunk.  Whether it is the trunk connected to your roots, your beliefs – or your metaphorical vehicle for life.  Clear out that trunk and make sure you are toting around only the habits you chose. For this is your one life, how will you live it?

“The Year That Fear Died and Love Danced on it’s Grave” 

Available in prints to canvases etc. 

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The Root of Fear

What is the Root of Fear?

We strive our whole lives to overcome fear.  

 

Fear of repercussions in relationships.

Fear of never being enough.

Fear of failure.

Fear of pain, both physical and emotional.

Fear of humiliation.

Fear of being alone.

 

There are so many fears that it’s a wonder we can even function.

 

I’ve been asked how do you overcome fear?  Part of me wants to say, “Hell if I know.”  Because it’s scary to uncover fears and most people don’t really want to change.  But the other part wants to say, “If you are willing to do the work, it can be done.”

 

You must be willing to examine your life.  Fears come from somewhere. From society, from the people around us, and from our experiences.  

 

The first step is to look at the root of your fears.  Many fears originate from childhood. When I was a young I woke up one night to find a hole punched in the bathroom door.  Dad had been so stressed from trying to provide for the family that he resorted to physically damaging himself and the doors of our house.  Even at this young age I knew that one did not bother Dad, wake up Dad, or talk to Dad when he was like this. He was such a tight wire, that none of us wanted to disappoint him.  I worried about him, even as a child, wondering if he would make it sometimes. He was a good father and was doing the best he knew how. Even so I picked up a legion of fears, that didn’t reflect reality.

 

From this time came the root of:  Fear of hard work, Fear of making money, Fear of upsetting people, Fear of talking about problems, Fear of poverty etc.  With each fear I have asked myself, “what has been the outcome of this fear?”  

 

Fear of talking about problems has taken a huge toll on my own family.  When my husband started drinking, I was so petrified by fear of what might happen should I talk with him – that I pretended that it was not happening for 13 years.  When my two sons battled porn addiction, we did not talk about it for 5 years.  But then fear multiplied the pain each of us was experiencing. My marriage felt like a prison, my sons had depression and eating issues, my husband didn’t really want to be a part of the family.  There is always a choice, but at that time the choice became clear to me. Face the fears or choose the destruction of my family.

 

To summarize:

I found the root. (Fear of talking about problems.)

Examined the cost. (The destruction of my precious sons and walking on eggshells for the rest of my life.)

Decided on a new belief.  (For me it became: I can do all things through Christ.)

Took the first step.  (Found the greatness in my husband and sons under layers of addiction.  Then decided that I had to show them change, as well as communicating change.)

 

I am so glad I did.  

 

In the past two years I have overcome multiple fears.  It has been a time packed with changes. These have not been easy changes.  It has hands down been the hardest and best two years of my life. The outcome has been that my family and I are happier and more unified than we have ever been.  Yes, we still have problems. But now we have better patterns and tools to address these issues.

For each of you that have been crippled by fear, be still.  Place all fear, mistrust, hopelessness, shame, and betrayal in a holding cell for a moment.  Be kind and merciful with yourself. Ask yourself what is the next best step is for you, for your family, for your one life.  Then trust your intuition. You know yourself and your circumstances better than anyone. What can you do to infuse your life with love?  

 

Then trust and act.

 

You’ve got this.  

Prints, journals, posters, stickers, cards, phone cases etc are available.