Tag: carin

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What is your Light

Divine number eleven.

My favorite number.  

This is the eleventh blog post I’ve written. 

It’s not a lot, but it is. 

Consistency is the key. For me I have to couple new habits with old habits in order to change. When I have a good habit the goal almost makes itself happen. 

Writing this blog I have coupled it with my son’s choir class. When he sings, I write. I have a whole hour to focus. You understand the value of uninterrupted time. Everyone I know is working to the hilt, and to be able to sit and concentrate on one thing is bliss. Honestly, how many tabs are open in your brain at this time? 

Too many. 

I had a conversation Sunday with a lovely friend who expressed that she was experiencing anxiety constantly. How do we focus on goals, and improving our lives if we have the tabs of worry, fear, trauma, and guilt open? 

I have been trying to couple deep breathing and straightening my posture with – anxiety. It breaks the cycle and brings me back to focus. 

Sometimes the anxiety is too much and I need music for calm and clarity. This brings me back to my son’s choir class. Music. Young voices. Young souls striving for friendship, support, kindness, joy. These are all elements the choir is singing about. These are all elements we need desperately. 

What do you need to break the cycle of oppressive feelings?

Peace. Calm. Light. Truth. Hope. Joy.

Choose the feeling. 

Choose the song. 

Hear it. 

Breathe it in. 

Smile and know this one truth. You can’t and are not supposed to solve everything or fix all things. You are an intelligent being. Don’t let your emotions control you. Choose what you want to feel, and work toward that. 

If you couple your chosen feeling with a specific action or habit, like a particular song, it almost does the work for you. And goodness knows we need all the help we can get.   

Now, it is important to remember that there is a difference between anxiety and depression. 

I’m sure you know how both feel. You can make positive choices for depression as well. It’s my opinion that in order to resolve depression one must find the root cause. All platitudes and advice mean nothing if you do not delve into your past. Look and find the event or pattern that creates the gray oppressive cloud that shadows each part of your life. 

Each of us learn differently. I choose music, art, creating, rest, sunlight, and knowledge. 

What do you choose?

The way to light, freedom from darkness, is light. 

What is your light? 




“leverage your day when it comes to habit stacking. Take advantage of your location and the time of day when it comes to your habits.”
― S.J. Scott, Habit Stacking

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New Believable Story

What kind of baggage do you carry from your ancestors? 

Think about it for a minute. 

What kind of wars, struggles, deprivation, injuries, or isolation have those that have gone before you experienced? 

Families carry learned responses and fears. Sometimes it’s easy to connect those responses to the Great Depression, abuse, particular wars, starvation, etc. Have you been triggered by someone tossing out things without your permission, flinched from sudden movements or loud noises, gone into panic if pantry shelves are low, and then wondered if your response was out of proportion? 

Perhaps it is not entirely your response. We come with baggage that is both learned and genetic. We carry in our code the experiences of our past family. 

I bring this up because many people push, hate, and criticize themselves. And it puts them into fight, flight, or freeze. 

We cannot be in peace and create, when in this state of mind. 

What can be done about this? 

First forgive yourself and picture a believable new story.

For example:  I am dealing with fear of communicating. Where did it come from? Partly from my experience and partly from my ancestors. I can release the fear from myself and my ancestors then I can form a new story. How do you release it? There are many ways but the simplest is to breathe and let your mind show you the root experience. Let your mind flow till you see an important experience. Know that this experience is a pattern of what has happened in the past. Watch the experience from a new point of view, with love. See it from the point of view of your Savior, your mom, your friend. Write a new meaning for this experience. 

Now imagine a hammer demolishing all the fear inside you, then breathe it out. Do this till you start yawning. This is your body’s response showing you that it is shifting. 

Next fill your body with light that has new instructions that will show you a new pattern, new mantra, new belief. 

Repeat this in your mind and heart, love yourself. 

This is a gradual cumulative process. Over the years you can peel off the layers of the past and view all experience as love. 

Love is not permissiveness, love is not favoritism, love is truth and mercy. 

Tell yourself the truth, be kind, form a new pattern. 

Ask God to guide your journey. Then let go of all your issues, one at a time, and let go of the weight of the past. 

Breathe. 

Smile. 

Be.  



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The Correct Mistakes

Forgive yourself. 

This is what I am hearing from God today. 

Forgive yourself for mistakes in your art Carin, it is the only path to improvement. There is nothing to be unsettled about, with your art. 

You are making the correct mistakes. 

You are making the correct mistakes to: 

  1. Understand yourself
  2. Your childhood
  3. Your needs
  4. And your fears 

The only way to improve is to make mistakes. 

Really, there is nothing to forgive when one makes a mistake. Of course the shame, regret, or guilt show up because society and Satan tell us, “If it’s not perfect, it’s not right.” 

Ask yourself, “If it’s imperfect, is it perfect for my learning?”

What have I learned today?

First off: 

  1. Our fears tell us where to forgive. 
  2. Looking at what we are afraid of can reveal doors we need to open, and release or rewrite stories that keep us frozen. 
  3. When we have new stories we are capable of unimaginable progress. 
  4. We are not to do this alone. Ask God to carry you and see who shows up to help. 

             What does this look like?

             Imagine you are afraid to express yourself. Go back through your life, identify the pattern that leads to this fear. Ask yourself if it is true that it is not safe to speak up? Can you remember a time when you could speak well, and it was received positively? Now ask yourself, “Is it safe to express myself?” “Could it be safe to express myself?” “How would it feel to express myself without fear?” 

              I invite you to keep moving forward, making essential mistakes, loving yourself, asking good questions, and welcoming God into your everyday decisions. This will create a daily pattern of love. 

              Live in love, fear not, you are a bright and brilliant being. 

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Small Steps Away From Suffering

There is a belief that suffering is righteous. 

Suffering is only a vehicle for remorse and change. Yes, our actions can bring suffering, but staying in suffering doesn’t bring relief or a gold star. Staying in suffering usually happens because: 

  1. A person believes they cannot change.
  2. A child is taught that they are not worth the effort to live in joy, and they grow up believing it is true.
  3. An individual uses their suffering to control or manipulate others. 
  4. A person is in a physical or psychological situation that is beyond their control. 

Have you tried to move out of suffering before, only to fall back into misery? That is life, suffering.  But we are sent here to grow, not be destroyed by suffering. 

If you believe you cannot change, ask yourself what it would be like if you could change. What needs would be met that are not being met if I was no longer suffering? What is the smallest step you could take? Take it today. 

If you have been taught that you are not worth the effort to create a joyful daily life, when did it start? Is it true? Can you prove, 100% it is true? Let me answer that for you. NO. You are a child of the Most High God, the Creator of All. Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother created you. Look back at that negative memory and declare, “Who are YOU to tell Me that I am NOT worth it? I am a CHILD OF GOD. Where is your authority? Where is your glory? I am A DAUGHTER, A SON OF THE MOST HIGH GOD.” Now feel that. This is truth. 

If you have used your suffering to manipulate people. Stop and ask yourself, “What am I lacking that I feel this is the way to get what I want?” Do you lack basic trust in your relationships or childhood? If you ever want to have lasting relationships or joy, you must change your patterns. If you are being manipulated I beg you to define in your mind the exact needs that are not being met. What can you do for yourself? Only trust the manipulator to fulfill the patterns they have completed in the past. Trust yourself to know what you need and what you will no longer tolerate. Define healthy boundaries for yourself and others will learn from how you treat yourself. 

However if you are in a situation that is physically or emotionally beyond your control. My heart breaks for you. We feel trapped. Here are some small suggestions beyond seeking professional help. (And I highly suggest you reach out to someone that can help you take steps.) 

Pray. Listen. Follow the impressions you receive. 

I’ve seen miracles with this formula myself. I have felt hopelessly trapped for decades, and it wasn’t until I took small guided heavenly steps that I was able to move out of fear. 

It is kind to move forward with the intent to change. 

Be as kind to yourself as you can. Every single day. 

Let God bring you change and blessings. 

Allow miracles to come. 

Suffer only to the amount that it brings you to a better place. 

Then let Christ show you a better way. 

Joy. 

The marriage of your sorrow and happiness. 

Smile. 

It is all possible for you.

“I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.

“Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things” (Alma 26:11–12).

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A Rich Masterpiece that is YOU

Addiction recovery is all about second chances. This is my second chance to paint and write about recovery. It is a rebirth of my paintings and a new story about progress, faith, and endurance.

I feel that this is your story too. You are not the same person you where five years ago. You have been reborn like a phoenix. Are there ashes around you? Have you found more wisdom?

I can imagine that your soul is holding onto hope. Take a deep breath, you’ve made it this far, and you can make it to the next bend in the road. 

Why? Because you have arrived here, intact. Where is “here” for you? Where do you live physically, emotionally, and spiritually? This is your, “you are here” on the map of your life.  

Treat each day as a second chance. Everything you do counts. Failure counts, because you are not stagnant or giving up. This is why I am repainting the 12 steps. 

Success also needs to be acknowledged and not taken for granted. If you don’t it’s like it never happened. 

Do the work you need to do to be a whole being. You are a divine soul, and God wants you to be victorious.  

I can see in my mind each mistake, effort, victory, as layers of paint building a rich masterpiece that is you.

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Reborn as a Vast Universe

This week I have been seeing my past mistakes. My past bad fashion choices. My past failure to put my artwork first. My bad communication. My failings. 

As I have been repainting this 12 step series I have found a redeeming grace in this mass of mistakes. 

It is this: If you don’t have contrast you can’t see the distance and depth of a composition. If the tones are too much the same, the painting becomes bland and uninteresting. 

We need to see our shadows and light. 

If we “pretend” that we are monks that have never experienced mistakes, we will live and present an empty dishonest life. Self honesty is the key to feeling peaceful and alive. 

We need mistakes to learn. 

We need mistakes to feel success.

We need mistakes to learn bravery. 

We need mistakes to learn unconditional self love.

Mistakes mean we are moving forward. Uncovering them shows that we are a person of depth. 

Picture yourself at all different ages? Can you see your victories like stars in a vast night sky? 

Think of a time when you experienced hurt. Whose fault was it. Can you learn from it? Can you gather this hurt inside you and expel it. What would your body feel like without the old hurts? How could you feel – if those hurts didn’t define you as failure or a victim? 

See your younger selves. Love them. Give them each grace. They were functioning from the knowledge they had. 

Give yourself permission to function from a new story. 

Your new story is that you are a Masterpiece. A rich universe. A library of experience. A person reborn. 

Pray for help with this and then listen and act on what you feel impressed to do.

Next watch for miracles as you do your best to follow the impressions you’ve received. 

As you acknowledge the light and dark of your character you will see your abilities increase. You will have more compassion for yourself and others. You will forgive yourself more readily and forgive others. 

You will have peace. 

“Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting,
And cometh from afar:
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come.”

― William Wordsworth

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The Course of Wisdom:  A Practical Workbook Honoring the Five Stages of Loss, available on Kindle.

 

May you heal and value the wisdom you have gained during this time of loss. 

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What’s in Your Trunk? Part 2 of the Root of Fear series.

If your choices are rooted in fear what kind of habits will you have?  These habitual actions, that seem to be second nature produce and feed the results or fruit that you reap everyday.  

If I am afraid of my husband’s criticism then I will not want to be around him. I will chose self isolation instead of connection.  And if this is the case, how can that bring my marriage or family closer together? It doesn’t, my fear becomes the wedge that drives us apart.   

But if I am honest about my reactions and examine the why both him and I are the way we are, then I can actually choose my reactions instead of following the Fear Protocol.  

What I call Fear Protocol is essentially fight or flight response.  It is instinctual. There is no If/Then thought process.  In fact there is no real conscious thought.  

If I stop the habitual patterns.  Just stop and think about the cycle I have perpetuated then I can choose my responses.

About two years ago I received a pattern interrupt that gave me a glimpse of what I had been perpetuating and how I’d been blaming the results on others in my life.  Yes, they are responsible for their addictions, their habits, their choices. But I am responsible for my choices. And the important thing is to make conscious choices.  Are you aware of what your responses are to the crazy makers, the addicts, the frienemies, the toxic family members? There will be people, jobs, relationships, or seemingly hopeless situations in your life that most people automatically handle with a flight or fight response.  

Once I could see that I was part of the problem and accepted responsibility for my part of the equation then I could examine all the possible responses and select what I wanted.  

For years my response to anyone who was harsh toward me was to just take it and avoid them.  I became bitter and negative, telling others how horrid a person was, never addressing the offense head on.  Never talking directly to that hurtful individual, coworker, in-law, or neighbor etc.

What was the cost of this habit?   

I felt weak.  I believed I was weak and could not resolve anything and if I tried that it would only make things worse.  I felt ineffectual in my work, relationships, efforts to create artwork, in all things I felt – LESS.  Less than everyone else that could speak and address the inevitable hurt that humans face. Because I wasn’t good enough to ask for what I wanted and get it.  

Did I want respect.  You bet. Did I believe I could have it.  No fricken way.

So I responded with fear based habits that put me directly into the hole that each hurtful person that I ran across wanted me to exist in – because if I was in this hole of worthlessness – then somehow they were better.  This was of course a lie. Just as it was a lie that I had to live in fear. Just as it was a lie that I was worthless. Sometimes you reach a point where you must say NO. No to worthlessness, no to bitterness, and no to fear.

Sure it caused issues when I didn’t let a certain extended family member spread misinformation about me behind my back.  But I could stand up straighter and respect myself. And I guarantee that if you respect yourself others are 100% more likely to respect you.   

Were there F words and all sorts awful accusations thrown at me when I suggested changes in our finances.  Yes.  But I had done my research, I knew it was accurate and I respected myself enough to be brave open my mouth and rock the boat a little.

So today stop.  Be still. Ask yourself, “What fear based habit is running my life?”  Then ask yourself what that cost has been. Are you willing to continue paying the price?  Or are you willing to be brave and take a small step forward. Just one action. Then observe the results.  Feel the respect, peace, self worth, the good example you are setting for your children, the faith you are demonstrating in your higher power.  Breathe in the payback of being brave. Rock the boat a little, who knows where you will be in a month, a year if you choose your path instead of reacting in fear.  You know exactly where you will be if you continue to live in fear. You will be right where you are now. The only question is, are you willing to take a look at your life and accept responsibility for your actions.  

The time has come to clear out your trunk.  Whether it is the trunk connected to your roots, your beliefs – or your metaphorical vehicle for life.  Clear out that trunk and make sure you are toting around only the habits you chose. For this is your one life, how will you live it?

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“The Year That Fear Died and Love Danced on it’s Grave” 

Available in prints to canvases etc. 

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The Root of Fear

What is the Root of Fear?

We strive our whole lives to overcome fear.  

 

Fear of repercussions in relationships.

Fear of never being enough.

Fear of failure.

Fear of pain, both physical and emotional.

Fear of humiliation.

Fear of being alone.

 

There are so many fears that it’s a wonder we can even function.

 

I’ve been asked how do you overcome fear?  Part of me wants to say, “Hell if I know.”  Because it’s scary to uncover fears and most people don’t really want to change.  But the other part wants to say, “If you are willing to do the work, it can be done.”

 

You must be willing to examine your life.  Fears come from somewhere. From society, from the people around us, and from our experiences.  

 

The first step is to look at the root of your fears.  Many fears originate from childhood. When I was a young I woke up one night to find a hole punched in the bathroom door.  Dad had been so stressed from trying to provide for the family that he resorted to physically damaging himself and the doors of our house.  Even at this young age I knew that one did not bother Dad, wake up Dad, or talk to Dad when he was like this. He was such a tight wire, that none of us wanted to disappoint him.  I worried about him, even as a child, wondering if he would make it sometimes. He was a good father and was doing the best he knew how. Even so I picked up a legion of fears, that didn’t reflect reality.

 

From this time came the root of:  Fear of hard work, Fear of making money, Fear of upsetting people, Fear of talking about problems, Fear of poverty etc.  With each fear I have asked myself, “what has been the outcome of this fear?”  

 

Fear of talking about problems has taken a huge toll on my own family.  When my husband started drinking, I was so petrified by fear of what might happen should I talk with him – that I pretended that it was not happening for 13 years.  When my two sons battled porn addiction, we did not talk about it for 5 years.  But then fear multiplied the pain each of us was experiencing. My marriage felt like a prison, my sons had depression and eating issues, my husband didn’t really want to be a part of the family.  There is always a choice, but at that time the choice became clear to me. Face the fears or choose the destruction of my family.

 

To summarize:

I found the root. (Fear of talking about problems.)

Examined the cost. (The destruction of my precious sons and walking on eggshells for the rest of my life.)

Decided on a new belief.  (For me it became: I can do all things through Christ.)

Took the first step.  (Found the greatness in my husband and sons under layers of addiction.  Then decided that I had to show them change, as well as communicating change.)

 

I am so glad I did.  

 

In the past two years I have overcome multiple fears.  It has been a time packed with changes. These have not been easy changes.  It has hands down been the hardest and best two years of my life. The outcome has been that my family and I are happier and more unified than we have ever been.  Yes, we still have problems. But now we have better patterns and tools to address these issues.

For each of you that have been crippled by fear, be still.  Place all fear, mistrust, hopelessness, shame, and betrayal in a holding cell for a moment.  Be kind and merciful with yourself. Ask yourself what is the next best step is for you, for your family, for your one life.  Then trust your intuition. You know yourself and your circumstances better than anyone. What can you do to infuse your life with love?  

 

Then trust and act.

 

You’ve got this.  

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