The order in which I have reworked this 12 step series has not been logical.
God is directing me in this work. I don’t know the finish line, but He does. God is making solutions known to me in the order that I need them. The images come, only when I am ready for them.
For example last night I had been trying for two days to understand what was needed for the composition of Step Four. I wasted so much time painting and destroying several birds that did not work. It was only when I stopped and listened – humbly, that He suggested two different images for Step Four and Step Ten.
The suggestion was, swap the panels and trade the images for Step Four with Step Ten. With this insight new compositions came to me – after several days of painting, searching, and repainting – finally peace.
Through this spiritual art partnership God can make glorious art happen through me – if I am listening.
My therapist asked me, “Is it that you can’t or that you feel overwhelmed?”
He was talking about how I have missed deadlines for my art and writing. I was supposed to have the 12 Step Series repainted, but it’s taking longer than I had hoped. It’s amazing how my work has leveled up, at the same time the effort to get the work done is similar to trying to run in mud.
Today I was so frustrated, because I kept choosing to work on other things, like, “I’ll do the dishes, and then paint.” Where are my priorities?
The other issue was that I drifted away from working with God. This doesn’t work. With Him all the elements of your work come together and it is clear what steps to take and how your struggles have contributed to your work.
So last night I made the decision to:
Step back and see the big picture. This includes my mental and physical health as well as God’s plan for me.
To move at God’s pace for me, and to write about the process.
The answer to my therapist question was, both. I physically and mentally just can’t sometimes. And sometimes I feel such overwhelm that I am stress paralyzed.
Here’s the thing, I’m not alone. I know that there are many who are experiencing the same thing.
Let’s slow down, observe, and tap into God’s path for us, together.
It is beneficial to assume that everything that happens to you, is for your good, eventually. I am experiencing this now as I pray and repaint my 12 Step Recovery Series. It was a very good series and I did the best I could at the time. So why am I fixing them? Are these paintings broken, or inadequate? Or were they just on their first layer of life experience?
We humans are layers of heartache, mistakes and rebirth. Each layer is a fracture, beautifully broken. Remember beauty is not pretty, or trendy, it is all your difficult and easy experiences woven together. We are all layered beings who have not given up, and that alone is stunning.
As an artist I desire to move up to my next layer, but it seems impossible. I have heavy responsibilities and my health has suffered.
Blessedly God is working on me, my life, and talents. I pray, paint, and watch layers of mistakes become the missing puzzle pieces of my composition. How could I have known that my mistakes would add up to a better work of art than anything I could’ve intentionally created? What God is creating through me is greater than my hopes. What God is creating of me layer by layer, is humbling.
As we all begin this New Year, I pray we can all be reborn in spirit as powerful beings that God is forming, layer by layer and step by step.
Tune in over the next few weeks I'll be up loading the "Reborn 12 Step Paintings."
As this process unfolds ask yourself how you can delve through your own layers and allow yourself to be reborn.
You deserve every kind question, every beautiful layer.
“A rebirth out of spiritual adversity causes us to become new creatures.”
11 And that, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep: for now is our salvation nearer than when we believed.
12 The night is far spent, the day is at hand: let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armour of light. Rom. 13:11-12
The time is not “spent” there is time to fill your life with light and love. As we rush from task to task spending money, time, and energy. Know that there is the exact amount of time you require to wrap your life in light and love.
When you consciously bring light and love into your life the cacophony of daily activity becomes a symphony. Each instrument is brought into tune and there is harmony. Harmony to me is like the experience of Grace in one’s life. This is a beautiful power beyond our own ability or strength that enables greater success than we could ever achieve on our own.
When you feel like you’ve spent your energy, youth, health, and all that remains is the pressing weight of responsibilities, pain, fatigue, and emptiness this is when light and love can shine the brightest. However it is at this time when light and love seem unattainable. What could possibly crack open your empty hollow shell to allow light and love into your being?
It is hope and the promise of change. Just because daily life is intolerable does not mean that it must be your ever after reality. Just by reading this and opening your thoughts to the idea of a different existence you are taking the first small step.
The idea is beautiful yet scary to many . . . change. What if life gets worse? This is the first question many ask. We are pre-programmed for survival. Because of this we automatically imagine failure, more work, or any number of difficult situations that make us believe that we’d be better off to just continue in our known reality. Because the unknown, which has not occurred, could be our destruction. In our mind this seems to be logical, but it is not. We are already destroying ourselves, pressed down by our current expenditure of life force, energy, money, time . . . the list never ends. So change is required for survival.
But there is one thing that is easy to forget when considering change. You are not to do all the heavy lifting of change by yourself. This is where hope enters and it makes all the difference. Hope is obtained from somewhere. Where? Is it found in the darkness of temporary success or sating of desires? Hope goes beyond the temporary. Hope is found in the knowledge that miracles are real and that God is blessing you. Hope is found in the knowledge that this temporary life is a part of something much larger, your existence as a divine being.
Consider allowing yourself to believe that you are loved by a Father in Heaven. Consider that He is placing opportunities and blessings in your path so that you can see the good even in difficult situations.
For example: When my sons were young our family was struggling in every way possible. It was a very dark time and I was not certain that we would survive. In fact I could not see beyond my health, marital, financial, and issues of faith. It was such a dark time that I consciously turned off my emotions so I could function for my sons. I became nothing but a shell. One night I prayed without hope, desperately giving all my hurt and dreams to Jesus. I couldn’t handle life, I was barely surviving. So I gave it all to Him, even my dreams. At the time I didn’t really believe that God would concern Himself with my beautiful aspirations that seemed so out of reach. I thought God’s job was to keep us on track so that we didn’t screw our lives up too much. It was the next day when I began to understand in my mind that He would bless us as much as we allow. A tiny significant miracle occurred. My husband hugged me. It was a small amount of love and light. When this occurred, I didn’t push away. From that moment on I practiced saying yes to the blessings that God put in my path. Next came the water balloon fight. It was a crack in the tight band of darkness that had surrounded our home. I accepted the love and light this brought. Next was the dream art show at the BYU Museum of Art. For 3 months I worked intensely. This work was indeed a miracle on many levels. I said yes to the exhibit, though it was very difficult to complete the work on time with marital issues and financial problems.
All your problems are temporary. All of them. Including physical issues like my hearing loss. It has been a challenge all my life. I have struggled to feel loved or included. But I know that life is part of a much larger “game plan.” God wants me and you to learn as much as possible in this life. In order to learn we must experience hard things and grow. As we embrace the hard things and consistently choose to see the love God has for us in trials, we will be filled with such love and light that God’s power will be a tremendous force for good through us.
No longer will you be pressed down by your burdens, but you will find reasons to smile. It will become easier to breathe. Your responsibilities will not magically evaporate. However, you will become a new person. And this person will be filled with joy, a combination of strength and weakness, dark times and light . . . . and always true and genuine love.
Now is the time to welcome in small and beautiful changes that are presented before you, found in your path. As you do this pray and give God your hurt and dreams. Then don’t push away the blessings start to come. Accept the changes. Smile. Stand up straight. Breathe deeply.
You are loved.
You are a being of light.
I am so excited to see you step forward into the light and truly live.
