If your choices are rooted in fear what kind of habits will you have? These habitual actions, that seem to be second nature produce and feed the results or fruit that you reap everyday.
If I am afraid of my husband’s criticism then I will not want to be around him. I will chose self isolation instead of connection. And if this is the case, how can that bring my marriage or family closer together? It doesn’t, my fear becomes the wedge that drives us apart.
But if I am honest about my reactions and examine the why both him and I are the way we are, then I can actually choose my reactions instead of following the Fear Protocol.
What I call Fear Protocol is essentially fight or flight response. It is instinctual. There is no If/Then thought process. In fact there is no real conscious thought.
If I stop the habitual patterns. Just stop and think about the cycle I have perpetuated then I can choose my responses.
About two years ago I received a pattern interrupt that gave me a glimpse of what I had been perpetuating and how I’d been blaming the results on others in my life. Yes, they are responsible for their addictions, their habits, their choices. But I am responsible for my choices. And the important thing is to make conscious choices. Are you aware of what your responses are to the crazy makers, the addicts, the frienemies, the toxic family members? There will be people, jobs, relationships, or seemingly hopeless situations in your life that most people automatically handle with a flight or fight response.
Once I could see that I was part of the problem and accepted responsibility for my part of the equation then I could examine all the possible responses and select what I wanted.
For years my response to anyone who was harsh toward me was to just take it and avoid them. I became bitter and negative, telling others how horrid a person was, never addressing the offense head on. Never talking directly to that hurtful individual, coworker, in-law, or neighbor etc.
What was the cost of this habit?
I felt weak. I believed I was weak and could not resolve anything and if I tried that it would only make things worse. I felt ineffectual in my work, relationships, efforts to create artwork, in all things I felt – LESS. Less than everyone else that could speak and address the inevitable hurt that humans face. Because I wasn’t good enough to ask for what I wanted and get it.
Did I want respect. You bet. Did I believe I could have it. No fricken way.
So I responded with fear based habits that put me directly into the hole that each hurtful person that I ran across wanted me to exist in – because if I was in this hole of worthlessness – then somehow they were better. This was of course a lie. Just as it was a lie that I had to live in fear. Just as it was a lie that I was worthless. Sometimes you reach a point where you must say NO. No to worthlessness, no to bitterness, and no to fear.
Sure it caused issues when I didn’t let a certain extended family member spread misinformation about me behind my back. But I could stand up straighter and respect myself. And I guarantee that if you respect yourself others are 100% more likely to respect you.
Were there F words and all sorts awful accusations thrown at me when I suggested changes in our finances. Yes. But I had done my research, I knew it was accurate and I respected myself enough to be brave open my mouth and rock the boat a little.
So today stop. Be still. Ask yourself, “What fear based habit is running my life?” Then ask yourself what that cost has been. Are you willing to continue paying the price? Or are you willing to be brave and take a small step forward. Just one action. Then observe the results. Feel the respect, peace, self worth, the good example you are setting for your children, the faith you are demonstrating in your higher power. Breathe in the payback of being brave. Rock the boat a little, who knows where you will be in a month, a year if you choose your path instead of reacting in fear. You know exactly where you will be if you continue to live in fear. You will be right where you are now. The only question is, are you willing to take a look at your life and accept responsibility for your actions.
The time has come to clear out your trunk. Whether it is the trunk connected to your roots, your beliefs – or your metaphorical vehicle for life. Clear out that trunk and make sure you are toting around only the habits you chose. For this is your one life, how will you live it?
